Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Our Song

The wind is singing in my ear, but it is the coldest song I've ever heard. The clock speaks slowly and time cannot move fast enough. I miss him. He left draped in camouflage to lands that I've never seen, nor do I feel the urge to. Afghani winds pull him further away from me and now all I am left to do is wait and wait. My time has been spent listening for the awful ringtone of my phone and checking the empty facebook page I have become addicted to. I fear that it is too late to tell him that I love him, and that I'm scared. I think he knows.

Two months ago, we planned that he would sing our song to me when he was leaving. He can't sing, but I cannot help but love hearing him sing. I loved that song, but now it waters my eyes and bruises the heart I was to wearly to let you hold. I want to sing with you, but I am afraid the ship is sailing and time is running low. So for now, "Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner, sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, the city of angels. Lonely as I am, together we cry."

Monday, May 4, 2009


You once told me that God placed me in your life for a reason; if that were true wouldn't that make God a cruel human? Wait, is He even human? I am still pondering why He took you away so quickly, wait scratch that.. What I meant to say was that I am still pondering why He takes everyone away so quickly. It took me a mere three days without room to breathe to realize I love my space from time to time.. but now that you're gone life is so empty. I thought about laying a vacant sign on the other half of my bed. It's weird how for those three days, the three days that we even shared a toothbrush, I walked into a scent that even time couldn't make me forget, but that scent, well it is gone now. I used to take the deepest breath with my nose against the pillow, as if it were my last, only to make it seem as though you just stepped out for a second; that second has seemed so long. The second hand still has yet to move.

I do not understand life, and maybe that is a bit melodramatic but I just cannot fathom sharing my life with someone and for them to leave faster than I can finish. Maybe if I looked like the Victoria's Secret models that men drool over, maybe then you would think to stay for even one more night.

I am still waiting here. Come on second hand move; he isn't coming back is he? I didn't think so. Thanks God for yet again bringing someone in and kicking them out. What hospitality you have. Take everyone from me, I need space. Catch all that sarcasm? We love what we are used to.. so why don't I love being alone? God answer me. Are you listening? No, you're not.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Body Gaurd

You came back to me; deep down I always hoped you wouldn't. I told myself and those who surrounded me that I was so upset with you being gone. I lied. You were the first person that I ever loved and the first person to shatter my heart. I have had one month to contemplate what I would do, if ever in this situation. I am still lost. Those thirty-one days of mascara filled tears seemed near to a whole years worth of Earth dancing around the Sun. I thought that I would be all happy to speak with you again, and I thought that I never stopped loving you; I think I did.

Our eye connection is scattered; I don't want to look at you directly, but I always do. This is my gaurd. Everything I say is in fact reversed for the truth, but that is our secret. It is always hard to admit that your gaurd is up and that your love is still there for the one person that you don't want to let it, but I will admit, right here and right now.

I do still love you, but I don't want to. I can't be that person who gets hurt again but I desperatly want you to love me. I can't wait until you musically calloused fingertips grace my face again. I do still love you. You should have never come back to me.

Saturday, January 31, 2009


I have been alone for five hours now; sitting in desolation almost seems like it makes the clock speak in slow motion. I miss you. Today marks five days since we last spoke. I still wonder when you will come back, running through the door with excitement; that won't happen, will it? Sometimes when I walk through the halls you used to stroll through, I hear your laugh and turn almost immediately, but it is never you. It is funny how I can hear your unique belt of a laugh and never see you, am I imagining things? Probably. Often times I find myself wondering what I could have done better or how I could have changed to make you love me, but I would never change. Your lips always spilt words of a soothing truth; a truth I never heard from anyone, but you. It almost seems as though I took that for granted. I try to turn to God, in hopes that he may be listening, but I never know if He is. More often than not I find myself dreaming of possibilities for you and me but deep down I do know that our breaks stopped us for a reason. That reason is something I am not ready to accept. I still want you. Why would God lead you to me if my heart would end up aching the way it does now? To make me stronger? I don't want to have any more strength than I already do, so send someone to love me. Please. For a moment I thought I fell in love with you, but now that it is over I am trying to make myself realize that it was never love, but merely lust. As I wander through life, I begin to realize maybe this is who I am supposed to be and this is how I am supposed to live, alone. Sure, being alone cannot define who you are or would like to be, but it sure changes you. I haven't heard your voice in five days now, I miss it. I can recall every conversation we have had. I haven't seen your soft skin in five weeks now. It feels like time is coming together as there is one number that is bothering me right now, five.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


My camera has never been in focus, and I find myself squinting my eyes trying to find where the snow banks break; it never works. I wonder when I will feel free from you. Never? I am uncertain. I try and strive to forget, but my mind forces thoughts to remain. Why? You follow me with each touch of the ground. My veins bleed for without you, my love, I cannot bare to live.

I lost my best friend today, a man I both cared for and adored. You told me that it was all over and that fate led you away from me. I attempt to move forward and you get upset. I wonder what goes through your intelligence. I miss your thoughts. Sometimes I dream of love and other times I am reminded of how it hurts have the sparks end because the waterfall puts them out.

It seems like I fell in love with you just a few short minutes ago, I just want to touch your skin and know that all of this is just one bridge we must cross to reach our bed of roses. That plant which has yet to grow will blossom one day, if for only in my dreams. For now I wonder when that day will come upon us and when you will realize that

Thursday, January 8, 2009

For Tomorrow

I dream of a world without hate, that isn't going to happen, is it? I cry at the mere thought of teasing. Oh children, don't cry.. I know how that feels. When will the world see what you have done? When will weed no longer be the obsession of police and rapes will be watched more clearly? Never? I don't know. It kills to think that America is so upset with drug abuse and yet a rape can be forgotten about in a couple years.. Is that fair? I don't think so. Do these people know what it feels like to go through something like that? No, no they don't. They are so quick to judge.

I dream of a world without lies. Rest your eyes and forget about the lies? I think not, a child can always remember the lies you told. Stop. Stop while you are ahead. Truth is one of the hardest tasks, but it is always harder accepting your fate. Why? Why must it be so difficult to 'man up' and deal with the consequences? Run, run away. Are you chicken? STOP. Stop running from your problems, your actions caused this. Feel no mercy for tomorrow is a new day.

I dream of a world without sexism. Most people would agree that sexism is decreasing, do you accept that? I don't. You see the phrase in the last paragraph? Man up? Yeah that is there for reason. Why can't it be woman up? 'Take it like a man' That is crap. Try having a baby!

I dream for tomorrow to come with sun and surprise. A world to change and a world to find truth. But that isn't going to happen, is it? Maybe no tomorrow, but you and I can fight for what should be right. Together as a country or world, this can all change. I believe in you.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Here and Now

Sometimes I feel near death, when my health is actually okay; probably because I fear I failed to live as most should. I walked with caution when risk was all I needed. This makes me upset, with myself, because not only have I missed out on a real childhood, I am beginning to lose my adulthood. I have never been the bookworm but I do enjoy reading, I haven't read that many books, though. I sit at a desk, or on a bed, or maybe even under a tree and write my thoughts. My mind sails untrue because I have never taken the risk of love. Probably because of the way men have treated me through the years. As the sun sleeps I find myself in near tears, scared of what is going to happen to me. Maybe the lack of love in my life is, in fact, my fault. I have never broken the shield I placed over my body. Forgive me. I seem more real when I pray at night or during the day, but still there is something holding me back from God. It almost seems as if I am fighting my faith for a reason. I still am unsure. It seems as though I use that phrase a lot, "I am unsure" that scares me too. I want to be certain about things especially about God. But if we all knew God was real, faith would never exsist. You could relate God to a car. We all know the car is real, but not to many people worship the car. I still want to know, and that is where faith steps in. Watch over me God, as I will continue to grow and attempt to have faith in you. I am trying here and now with all of my strength, even though I am unsure.